House and the Baby
by ohLizzy
Summary: Cuddy needs a babysitter...and guess who she calls? All manner of chaos ensues. My first and probably favorite fanfic.
1. the Phone Call of Doom

The phone rang.

Just great. I looked at my watch. It was five o'clock, I'd barely been home from work for half an hour.

I grabbed the phone.

"What?"

"House, that you?"

Cuddy.

"Well who else would it be?"

She ignored the remark in a very Cuddy-like fashion and babbled on.

"House, I need a favor."

"My favorite. You're lucky, I'm in an unusually giving mood. What will it be today?"

"Could you come over and baby-sit? I have a speaking engagement, and I forgot to get a sitter…"

"You really want me babysitting?"

"Would I have called otherwise? Please, Greg."

She called me Greg. Huh. She really was desperate.

"Okie dokie. Be there in fifteen minutes."

"You're a lifesaver."

"So I've been told."

I hung up and went back to my guitar. Cuddy would live if I was a few minutes late.

-----------------

Cuddy didn't appreciate my lateness.

"You just couldn't get here on time, could you?"

I shrugged. "You should be glad I'm here at all. Where's the little bundle of joy?"

"She's sleeping upstairs. I'll be back in a few hours hopefully. Everything you need to know is on a list on the fridge."

"I am a doctor, remember? I can take care of babies better than most parents."

Cuddy gave me the stare. "The list tells you where all her stuff is."

"Like I don't already know where everything is. I could walk around here blindfolded."

"That's a little creepy, House."

I pointed towards the door. "Just go. The kid and I will be fine."


	2. I was bored

**A/N: Thanks to everyone who reviewed chapter 1!**

Cuddy left, after many more useless instructions, and I sat down to read my book.

Well, technically it was Wilson's book. I kind of…lets say 'adopted' it. It just looked so good and I just couldn't resist.

I'd been relaxing in Cuddy's favorite armchair(the one she specifically told me not to sit on) for all of ten seconds when a high pitched wail broke the peaceful silence.

I ignored it and resumed the story. Maybe if I pretended I didn't hear the baby, she'd just go back to sleep.

Ha. That was wishful thinking.

She kept on wailing for fifteen minutes before I finally got up and went to get her.

The nursery was hard on the eyes, to put it nicely(and you know I am always one for niceness)

Anyway, the room was covered with this sickening pink wall paper. And everything, and I mean everything, in it was pink as well. I had to cover my eyes with my hand to keep from going blind. There aught to be a law against hot pink rooms. Its seriously bad for the health.

The baby was laying in her crib. She had grown quiet when I walked into the room and now she was just staring up at me. She had grown into quite a chubby kid over the last six months…

"Heya," I said as I picked her up. "I'm House. Pleased to meet you I'm sure. I don't remember your name…so for today you will be known as simply 'kid' "

I looked at Kid. I looked at my watch. What does one do with a baby?

I called Wilson.

"Hey, I need some help."

"And why would I help the thief who stole my book?"

"I didn't steal it….I borrowed it. You weren't reading it anyway."

"You saw me reading it just this morning!"

"Yea, yea. Whatever. I'll give it back as soon as I finish it. So, Wilson, what does one do with a baby?"

"You're a doctor. Shouldn't you know more than anyone?"

"I know how to heal kids. But Kid is fine," House looked down at the baby drooling on his sleeve. "What the heck do you do with healthy kids?"

"Feed them, give them baths…play patty cake. Surely you can think of something to do for a few hours!"

I turned on the whine. "Come on Wilson, come keep me company..I'm booored."

"Oh alright, I'll be there in a few minutes."

Wilson moved a little in his chair. I turned a page in my book. Kid giggled for no apparent reason. The grandfather clock struck five.

"Why, exactly, did you ask me to come?" Wilson asked.

"I was bored. You are my best friend. Figure it out."

"But you're doing the same thing you were doing before I got here!"

"Yes, but now I have you to banter with. You know I live for arguing."

Wilson shook his head and rolled his eyes. "Lets go somewhere. I've spent the last 12 hours with sick cancer kids, I'm in vital need of fresh air."

"But I thought you love your sick cancer kids," I stood up, slapped my knee, and threw my adopted book aside. "Well then, by all means let us get some fresh hair. Lets go to the mall. I need some new shoes."


	3. Of Malls and Soda

"Come on Wilson, **drive**! The speed limit is 50 not 25!"

"Just let me drive, will you? Honestly, House. You've got to be the worst back seat driver the world has ever seen!" Wilson glared at me, but he did up his speed.

"Wilson, think of me as your mother. I yell at you but only if its in your best interest."

- - - -

"Put it up already, House," Wilson sat one the curb, holding Kid. Kid was bundled in this pink coat that looked about a hundred sizes too big. I was sure she was suffocating in the mass……However, Cuddy said she had to wear it when we went outside and I of course listen intently to all instructions.

Ok, we both know that's a lie, but when it comes to Kid, Cuddy is like a mother bear. If you harm her young she goes crazy.

Back to the stroller.

"You put it up," I stumbled over to the curb, exaggerating my limp. "I'm the cripple."

"Hey, you're the babysitter."

I worked with the horrid contraption for a few more minutes before shoving it back into Wilson's car. "We'll just carry her."

Around the mall, people walked peacefully around. There were old couples, young couples, and couples with kids peacefully sleeping in their strollers, tired after a long day of making their parents miserable.

Then there was Wilson, Kid, and I.

Kid was screaming at the top of her lungs, trying to wiggle out of the monstrous coat. she thrashed this way and that in Wilson's arms. People stared, as they always do.

"I don't care what Cuddy says, lets take this coat off," Wilson pleaded.

Kid immediately calmed down once the coat was off, and sat peacefully in my arms.

A couple women stopped as they walked by. They were thin, pretty, and had nice long blond hair. Twins.

"Aw, she's so cute!" One said.

"Is she yours?" the other asked.

Wilson and I looked at each other. I controlled myself from making a face. "No, she's a friend's. we're just babysitting."

"Oh, well she's cute!"

I looked at Wilson. Wilson looked at me. We were both thinking the same thing.

"Want to sit with us?"

The girls laughed. "Sorry guys, we already have dates," said one. She pointed to two burly men trying on shoes. They looked like bodyguards. Not the type to mess with.

"Yea. We have to get moving anyway," I stood up. "Things to buy, people to argue with."

"That was weird," Wilson commented once they were gone.

Ever noticed how those mall lunchrooms are always jam-packed? You'd think they coulds spend a little less money on the mickey mouse signes all over the place and buy an extra line of tables.

We had just piled our trays with food when I noticed there was only one table not packed to the limit.

The only people at it were two very tired looking middle aged women. One was practically asleep and the other was chewing her gum like a cow chews cud. Beside them were two triple strollers packed with kids.

I moaned. "Tell me I'm dreaming."

Wilson shook his head. "No such luck."

The one woman noticed us and started waving her arms frantically in a way I suppose was supposed to encourage us to come over.

"Hey!" she said when we got there. "My name's Tammy, you men can sit here with us, we don't mind."

The cow just stared at me with creepily un blinking eyes.

As I finished my first sandwich three of the babies in one of the strollers started screaming.

Tammy started picking them up. She handed one to Cow, and one to Wilson. "Hold her for a sec, will ya hon?"

Wilson nodded with a tight lipped smile. The baby in his arms, a chubby kid, grabbed his drink and dumped it all over Wilson's lap, in the most unfortunate of places. Ice and coke was everywhere.

Wilson jumped with the shock of it.

"Oh I'm so sorry!" Tammy squealed. "I'll take him in just a minute. Sorry, sorry, sorry!"

"Its alright," Wilson said. He handed the baby to me. "I'll be back. Just going to dry up a little."

"Nice stain," a guy next to us said. I glared fiercely at him.

"I'll give you one to match if you'd like."

Fifteen minutes later Wilson was dry, and we were on our way out of the mall. My phone rang.

"Who dares call his highness at this hour?"

"Its me, House. How's my baby doing? She still all in one piece?"

"She's fine, Cuddy," I looked down at Kid.

Except it wasn't Kid. She had the same hideous pink coat as Kid, but it just wasn't Kid. I grabbed Wilson's sleeve and pointed frantically to the baby. Wilson's eyes grew wide. He grabbed the baby and started running back to the lunchroom.

"She's fine," I lied. "We're hanging out at the mall…all is well. Stop worrying!"

"Good. I just called to tell you, I won't be back until midnight, this thing is lasting longer than expected."

"Fine and dandy," I said. "Listen, I've got to run…." Literally.

"Ok I'll see you later."

"Bye."

I ran after Wilson's general direction and found him standing next to our empty table. No Kid in sight.

"House, she left! She left!"

"Alright, lets go see if they're still in the parking lot," for once I couldn't think of anything sarcastic to say.


	4. I Kill YOu

"House, how could you bring the wrong baby?" Wilson yelled as he put the car in gear. We had searched the parking lot for Kid with no luck. "I don't even know where to drive. Where does one look for a lost baby?"

"Wilson, yell later. Drive now. Police station, stat!"

"Aren't you going to call Cuddy?" Wilson's hands were holding a death grip on the steering wheel and his eyes bugged out as he stared at the road.

"Do you think I am absolutely insane?" I asked. "Don't answer that. Police first, Cuddy later."

"They will want to know who the baby's parents are you know House. Eventually Cuddy will find out."

"Eventually. As in the future. Eyes on the road, man! You almost hit that guy."

The police station was packed with stinking, blabbering people. I walked up to one of the policemen, a short, squat, bald man.

"I'd like to report a missing child," I said simply. "Small, an infant. Six months."

The guy stared at me. I stared back. "Looks like you got a kid right there mister," he pointed to Kid's coat twin.

"No, see, this baby isn't mine. She belongs to this woman I met at the mall…."

"Look. Dude. I don't have time for jokes today," Sergeant Squat said. He twirled his mustache in an uppity way.

"I'm not joking."

"He's not joking," Wilson almost screamed.

"Yea, yea. So they all say. Get outta here mister, we got a big criminal comin' in soon," he looked down at his grubby watch. "'Bout fifteen minutes. See ya!"

I felt like snapping his fat neck.

Wilson and I headed out. I took out my cell.

"It was nice knowing you, Wilson," I said. We shook hands solemnly.

"Its been a good life over all," Wilson quipped. "You've been an interesting friend."

I dialed.

"Hello, Cuddy. There's been a bit of a mix up."

"House, what are you talking about."

"Well, see, we were at the mall and…."

"HOUSE, what's going on?"

"We lost Kid."

"YOU WHAT?!?!" I held the phone away from my ear. "GREGORY HOUSE I WILL KILL YOU! THIS HAD BETTER BE A JOKE! YOU WILL DIE A THOUSAND DEATHS! WILSON, YOU TOO, I KNOW YOU'RE THERE!"

Wilson cringed.

"Where are you House? Tell me. Right. Now."

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A/N: thanks for all the reviews, people! sorry if this chapter was a bit predictable and short, I have better plans for the next one.


	5. Needs No Title

**thanks for all the reviews guys~you're awesome!**

Wilson and I were sitting on a bench inside the police station, waiting for Cuddy, when I had a Eureka moment.

"Wilson…were those women day care people?"

"I think they had a business in their house…."

I jumped up and dashed over to Sergeant Squat. "Can I use your phone book?"

Squat stared at me. "If it'll get you outta my hair, whatever." he pointed to the phone, a dilapidated yellow book was off to the side.

I ran back to Wilson and the mystery baby and grabbed him from Wilson's arms. I un zipped his coat, and sure enough, he was wearing a day care name on his shirt.

Sunshine Daycare

Name: Zack

"Thanks Zack," I said as I handed him back to Wilson. "We may just survive this day."

Wilson chuckled nervously. "Jack Bauer's longest day was nothing compared to this."

"That's because Jack Bauer never met Cuddy," I said as I dialed.

Tammy answered. She sounded a little shaky. "Hey whoever this is I can't talk now, got something to take care of…"

Just then Cuddy arrived. She grabbed my arm and jerked me around, hard. The phone flew from my hands as I was forced to stare into her very red, very angry face. "Gregory House, worm of this earth, where is my baby?!"

"Just a sec," I said. "I really have to take this call…if she hangs up…."

"You're arranging a date at a time like this?"

"No," I pushed her away and went back to the phone. "Tammy, are you still there?"

I heard a sniff. "Yes. Who is this?"

"Just sit down and listen closely,"

"OH MY GOSH, DO YOU HAVE ZACK? DO you want money or something cause I swear I don't have an extra cent.!"

"No, I have Zack. This is House, we met earlier, remember?"

Another sniff. "Yes."

"Do you have Ki…er, the baby I had with me earlier?"

"RACHEL!" Cuddy screamed. Sergeant Stubby scowled at us. Cuddy glared back so hard he cowered.

"Yes, she's fine. Oh my gosh, I was so worried…..!"

"OK, well I have Zack. I'll be to your place in fifteen minutes."

I hung up to the sound of relieved sobs.

"You'll have her in a min…….."

**SLAP**

"OUCH! That hurt!"

"That was just a taste of what's coming!" Cuddy furiously stalked out of the station, Wilson and I followed.

"I figured out where she is," I said.

"Good. Maybe now your death will be quick instead of long, and torturous."


	6. Happily Ever After?

"Wilson, drive faster!" Cuddy practically screamed. I had been banished to the back seat.

"See Wilson, I'm not the only one who thinks you drive pathetically slow!" I said.

"You shut up," Cuddy turned to me. She was madder than a wet hen.

Ok, maybe I did deserve the yelling this time. I slumped down in my seat, not feeling myself. No sarcastic comments came to mind.

Tammy's house was filled with squawking kids, and as I carried Zack in I was overwhelmed with the smell of diapers, baby food, and cheerios.

Cuddy ran past, barreling down the hall at a speed I didn't think possible.

Cow blocked her path.

"What are you doing here and who are you?" she chewed her wad of gum once. Twice. Cuddy stared her down.

You know in the movies when two enemy cowboy's meet, the music they play when they have a stand-off? I could practically hear it.

"I want my baby!"

"You're not one of our customers."

She pointed to Wilson and I. "Those dolts switched out kids!"

Tammy came out of no where carrying Rachel. Cuddy practically jumped on top of her as she took Kid.

Tammy screeched and grabbed Zack, kissing him all over and going into a stream of babbling. "Oh, I was so worried! Poor Zack, you're mom will be here any minute. If I didn't get you back to her………thank you House! You're a lifesaver. I can't believe this happened. Oh it was such a nightmare."

"Thank **you**," I said. And please, just shut up already.

"Yes, thank you so much," Cuddy exclaimed. She hugged Kid tight. "Rachel, baby, I don't think I'll ever be able to let you out of my sight again."

"So what's our sentence?" Wilson asked Cuddy once we were outside.

"If you're going to kill me, do it quick," I said. "And, please, let my die listening to my iPod."

Cuddy shook her head and ruffled her baby's hair.

"I'll let you both live," she said.

Wilson started saying, "Than……"

She held up a hand. "Don't. Say. A .Word. I'm too mad at you both. I might just reconsider."

As she backed up I said to Wilson, "That was too easy."

"I'll see to it you both get 100 extra clinic hours this year," she called back as she drove away.

"Oh crap," I moaned. I handed Wilson a toy gun laying on the sidewalk. "Just kill me now, put me out of my misery."

THE END

**A/N: Hoorah for the first fanfic I have ever finished! thanks for all the reviews… I hope that was a good ending. I've got a couple other House story in the works, maybe I'll put more up soon. What do you think? We'll see how things turn out…. thanks again!**

**~verbalchaos**


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